Saturday, July 02, 2011

We went on a road trip today to southeast Oklahoma. I drove the 2 and half hours home while my loves slept in the back. I drove into the prettiest fluffy clouds and got lost in thought.

It was a rough day for Isabella and I yesterday. For some reason she was up and at 'em at 6:30AM yesterday after having slept until 8-8:30 most of the other days this week. She wanted me to hold her but then immediately wanted to get down. Nothing I did seemed to be the right thing. She was fussy, inconsolable, and exhausted so I put her down for her nap. Forty minutes later she was crying for me to come get her. This from my girl who's naps usually last about two hours. At this point, my patience was quickly depleting. We began more rounds of her wanting to be held, then immediately wanting down, followed by screaming whenever I walked away or left her sight. Exhausted, I eventually just put her in her crib (where she was contained) and went to finish getting ready.

She was only in there for about 5 minutes, but during that time she screamed continuously. While she was exercising her vocal cords, I thought for a second how nice it would be to be at a job, wearing pretty clothes, smelling nice (from a shower, perhaps a little perfume, and the absence of spit up on my person), with people who can talk and aren't screaming at me instead of being at home in a t-shirt with dried spit up stains on it, with someone who's only way to let me know something is not right is to scream at me. I thought about the pediatrician visit just last week where she commended me for staying home and told me it was a rare gift I was giving my daughter. She said that putting my career on hold for a few years would give my child years we could never get back. Even so, if we start having more days like this, I wondered how much of a gift it is if I have to put her in her crib for 5 minutes while I'm having a time out to pray for patience, kindness, and endurance.

Things got better in the evening and we made up with lots of snuggles before bedtime. I put myself to bed at 9:15. I don't think I've gone to bed that early since I was 10, but I was ready for some serious sleep. I laid in bed thinking how we had both just had an "off" day. People have asked if it is boring staying home, and my answer is always no, I love it. I do work about 6 hours every week and I always miss Isabella while I'm gone. I'm sure yesterday won't be the last time I will have the thought cross my mind that I'm not sure if this is what I want to be doing this very second. But last night, I laid in the dark knowing in my heart I am right where I want to be -- off days and all. Thankfully they are few and far between. I hope to see a tooth pop through soon for the work we both put in yesterday!

My friend came over in the afternoon and challenged me to a July challenge. We have set lots of goals together over the years and I am always up for a good challenge. Her goal didn't really speak to me, so I tried to come up with one that was fitting. I pondered many that I will save for another month, but the challenge came with the question "what would make the biggest immediate difference in your daily life?", and I knew what it would be. I have a much better attitude when I get up before Isabella is up and have some quiet time to myself to drink my fake coffee, read my bible or current book, count my gratitudes, and/or just sit quietly listening to the birds sing. So this month I will be setting my alarm to get up 30 minutes before the time she wakes up on average. There may be some days when she wakes way earlier than usual or I get too many wake up calls in the night and switch the alarm off to soak up as much interrupted sleep as possible and it just doesn't happen. But overall I hope this practice will give me an extra dose of grace to be the wife, mother, and friend I desire to be. Thanks for
the inspiration Michelle!

What would make the biggest difference in your life this month?

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