Fortune Cookies

I have a beef to pick (and I'm not talking chow mein or broccoli) with the people who write fortune cookies for a living. I ate at a Chinese buffet today at lunch and the fortune above was the what I found hiding in my cookie.

"Good friends are like chocolate chips. Be sure to keep them close by."

The person who wrote that gets PAID to think up creative and witty one liners and that was the best they could come up with?

I can forgive the occasional non-fortune fortune like, "Today is a good day" or "You like Chinese food." At least those make sense.

But "Good friends are like chocolate chips. Be sure to keep them close by." What does that mean, anyway?

I don't know anyone that keeps chocolate chips close by EVER! First of all, anyone who's ever walked outside and immediately started sweating on a blistering hot day knows that would be a highly impractical matter. What good are melted chocolate chips anyway?

Second of all, for argument's sake, let's just pretend that you were able to rig up a system where you could keep the chocolate chips from melting throughout the day. If you're anything like me, the chocolate chips wouldn't even make it to lunch. If by some miracle they didn't get eaten before lunch, there's no way they'd survive the mid-afternoon snack cravings. Then you'd have to start make daily trips (some times more) to your local Super Target to keep buying chocolate chips to keep close by.

What does that say about how we're supposed to treat our friends? Should we eat them at the first sign of hunger? Are we supposed to go to the store and buy new friends anytime we eat our old ones? I don't know about you, but gas is expensive, my car does not get very good gas mileage, and I'm on a tight budget. How am I supposed to afford daily trips to Super Target to replenish my supply of friends? No thank you! I will keep my chocolate chips in the freezer where they belong and I will FOREVER avoid comparing them to my friends.

In the off chance that the person who wrote this fortune happens to be reading my blog, I have decided to altruistically help you save your job. Below you will find a list of fortunes that you are welcome to use (FREE OF CHARGE) the next time you are tempted to write, "Good friends are like chocolate chips. Be sure to keep them close by." Use them wisely:

1. Your emotional nature is strong and emotional.

2. Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer.

3. Woman who seeks to be equal with a man lacks ambition. Don't touch that.

4. Hell is paved with good intentions.

5. Confucius say: you have heart as big as Texas

6. You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

7. Help! I'm being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.

8. Never wear your best pants when you go to fight for freedom.

9. Don't forget, you are always on our minds.

10. Your eyes will soon be sparking. Keep them open.

11. Good friends are like chocolate chips. Each one is a delightful morsel.

I have saved your job... NOW STOP RUINING MY POST-CHINESE FOOD EXPERIENCE!