I had many tests ran in the hospital after I had Isabella due to some complications I was having. The only finding from all of the tests was that there were some nodules on both sides of my thyroid. Ann told me I would have to get an ultrasound done and then depending on the results I would see a surgeon or an endocrinologist. Today was the day of the ultrasound appointment. It was weird to see an ultrasound image with no baby in it!
Ann told me about this appointment two days after I had gone home from the hospital and I was exhausted and still in pain. I tell that to justify for myself freaking out when we left the appointment. My mind immediately began thinking over the 'what ifs'. Will I have to have surgery? Will I have a huge scar on my neck? (Because obviously it would be better to have something harmful stay in your body than have a scar on your neck! Ridiculous!) If I have to have surgery- will I still be able to nurse my baby? And then my worst what ifs...what if I have cancer, and what if I die and don't see my baby grow up. See-I told you-I freaked out for a few minutes. But I needed a minute to do so and then become rational!
A week or so prior when I was on bed rest and we were deciding about being induced, my best friend prayed over me and reminded me of Peter walking toward Jesus during the storm. He began to sink when he stopped looking toward Jesus and let his focus get caught up in the storm. I read that passage and was really struck with how easy that can happen if we are not careful. During the storms of life we can choose where our focus is or allow the storm to captivate us and let doubt take over.
One of my favorite studies I have done is the book 'Calm my anxious heart'. There is a chapter in the book about trusting God with our what ifs. I re-read that chapter this week. These words stuck out to me: "When what ifs come into our lives, we must ask ourselves if we are going to judge God by the circumstances we don't understand or judge the circumstances in light of the character of God. We can only trust God when our focus is on Him and not our circumstances."
Is God not bigger than all of the circumstances we face?
I waited over two and half weeks for this appointment and hoped to get results today, but they said they would call in about a week with results. So more waiting. Luckily, taking care of Isabella and adjusting to being a new mom has kept me busy and not really thinking about it after my initial freak out. I guess the up side of waiting is that it gives me another chance to practice trusting God with the outcome of the results and attempting to choose peace over fear.
"Our what ifs will either drive us to God and faith or they will drive us to worry and dependence of self. God gives peace and contentment; worry gives illness and misery".