Downtown

This past weekend was not an easy one on our parenting journey. There were several discussions about: What should we be doing? What is going wrong in this situation? Topped with not sleeping through the night in months now- it can all be a bit exhausting at times. I want to speak to my children with tones and words that I am OK with them using back with me, and model to them how to behave when angry or frustrated. But its impossible to do it perfectly 100% of the time, and sometimes after what feels like constant behavior battles or the millionth question my spirit feels so worn down and don't respond how I would ideally like to.  Parenting continues to show me ways I need to be refined and grow. As I was looking back through photos over the weekend, I was glad to see the joyful moments captured. I love photographs and seeing my babies' sweet souls, as when things are hard it can be easy to just remember the difficult parts and overlook the joys. 

We went to the twilight concert series father's day evening.
Isabella loves to dance and sing, she has such a joyful spirit.

Fun with Daddy.

I love seeing the ways her personality has pieces of his, mine, and her own all at the same time. 

Playing with Aunt Flower.
My sister is such a fun, awesome Aunt.

It's great to be out in our city. Isabella loves the old song 'Downtown' and can sing most of the words.

I got some sweet pictures of my dad and Benjamin.

He became smiley at times over the past week and that has been really fun.

I'm praying for grace and patience for each member of our family. We could all use some. :) 

Park Fun

I don't know if I could ever capture the many expressions my child makes. A day with a toddler is full of so many expressions, crossing a huge range of emotion (at our house anyway). She has been saying the funniest things lately and I find myself surprised by things she comprehends and statements she makes. These days I'm praying for wisdom and patience of how to handle so many situations. I pray I can give her tools she needs and raise her well. The responsibility of it all can feel overwhelming at times. I love my girl...and all that she is teaching me about myself through this parenting journey. 

Raising her up

(The best way to eat watermelon in the Summer: outside, in your diaper, with water to wash off in afterward.)

Today was a discouraging day. I carried my child screaming out of the grocery store. She had multiple fits throughout the day. And the cherry on top was when she hit her friend tonight while we were over for dinner. Today was a particularly bad day. Luckily, most days are not to this caliber. But more often lately, I find myself struggling to find the balance giving her some freedom and creating a fun childhood for her with guiding her to grow up to be a well mannered, behaved person. I know a lot of her behavior is typical for her age, but hitting people and screaming when you don't get what you want is not an acceptable way to behave. I know there is plenty of time to help her learn these things, but also know this learning has to start early. I was haunted today by every parenting session I've had with a client, and the sound of my own voice saying, "You must be consistent", "Be firm, but calm", "You must model how to express anger in ways that are OK", "It's OK if you have to carry your child out of the store and you feel like people are looking, remember you are helping them learn what is acceptable and what is not"... blah blah blah. And while it is OK, it is definitely not an easy job to get to teach these things to your child in front of others.

 I guess Isabella is helping me personally learn what it feels like so I can have even more understanding and be better at my job, and have plenty of opportunities to practice patience myself. Thanks kid.  

Wednesday Ramblings

Still trying to wrap my mind around this:



Today we lingered over our breakfast, stayed in our pajamas a little later, got caught in the rain at the park,

and rocked a little longer...

I know I'm stressed when I get in bed and my mind is racing over my "to-do's". I seem to have over committed myself this week. It's what we Hartman's do from time to time. The problem is it is all things I want to do. I want to go to Dallas for a conference, I want to make meals for people who have had babies, I want to be planning my baby's first birthday party, I want to spend time with my family, I want to tend to my private practice, I want to be a good friend, I want to do our ladies class Beth Moore study, I want to be a good mother, wife, cook, runner, house keeper and on and on...I did a study earlier this year, about living a simple life. It was excellent and thought provoking. But at times I still struggle at managing my commitments in a "balanced" and simple way.

Two blogs I read have recently talked about this topic of balance and trying to do it all. Many people commented on this post saying they have this same struggle, are also looking for answers, would like everything to be perfect, or schedule things as best as they can and then realize you have to let some things go. And I loved this post about juggling all of the balls and trying to prioritize them. As women it is easy to compare ourselves to others and feel bad about what we don't or "can't" do. I appreciated the author's sentiment, that we are all just doing the best we can, and that looks different for everyone. I hope to encourage the women in my life in their "doing the best they can", rather than getting sucked in to the comparing game.

I've thought this week about parents I have worked with who have talked about how much they give their children (materially) and how their children continue to want more and the parent feels like "its never enough". Those conversations always follow with discussions on what children really want- parents that are present with them and give them their time and attention. I've tried to focus on this over the past week when I've felt stressed about getting things done and with the details of Isabella's party coming together- a party that she is not going to remember. I love to celebrate and love a good party, but let's be honest the party is more about celebrating her and for us, as at this age she won't remember it!

So we took things slower today. I want to "do it all", but it is not worth the sacrifice of my family or my sanity. (I will probably have to revisit this thought again and again). I will work hard this week on the to-do's after Isabella's asleep and during her nap times, and otherwise try to focus on being present in the precious moments with my family. I want to give myself the grace to do my best, and that be enough- rather than striving perfection. I will let go of somethings and say no to some, and also know that for each crazy week there is usually a slower one behind it.

I feel more at peace today and will hopefully keep these things in mind again when my juggling ball act seems to overpower what is really important in life.

Thankful Thursday

My girl was extra cuddly this morning and wanted to just be held and rocked, rather than play. (This was prior to our hour nap battle). She is not always cuddly for long periods of time these days so I was happy to soak in a 20 minute rocking. She wasn't going to sleep or wild with play, she was just happy to be held by me.

During this I was reminded of the many times I sat in her rocker before she was born. I would go in there during the night when I couldn't sleep, in the wee hours of the morning when my body was too uncomfortable to lay anymore, and when I got home from work...it was a frequent ritual. I would sit in there, my favorite place in the house, and "ponder things in my heart". I would stare at the crib graciously purchased for our baby by Michael's parents. I would stare at the bedding lovingly made by my Mom. I would dream of holding my baby and her sleeping in this room marked with love and gifts by so many people who already loved her before she was born. My heart felt so full and I was thankful for so many things.

A year later, looking around her room, while rocking the gift I prayed for, I still feel that fullness in my heart and even more.

We went on a road trip today to southeast Oklahoma. I drove the 2 and half hours home while my loves slept in the back. I drove into the prettiest fluffy clouds and got lost in thought.

It was a rough day for Isabella and I yesterday. For some reason she was up and at 'em at 6:30AM yesterday after having slept until 8-8:30 most of the other days this week. She wanted me to hold her but then immediately wanted to get down. Nothing I did seemed to be the right thing. She was fussy, inconsolable, and exhausted so I put her down for her nap. Forty minutes later she was crying for me to come get her. This from my girl who's naps usually last about two hours. At this point, my patience was quickly depleting. We began more rounds of her wanting to be held, then immediately wanting down, followed by screaming whenever I walked away or left her sight. Exhausted, I eventually just put her in her crib (where she was contained) and went to finish getting ready.



She was only in there for about 5 minutes, but during that time she screamed continuously. While she was exercising her vocal cords, I thought for a second how nice it would be to be at a job, wearing pretty clothes, smelling nice (from a shower, perhaps a little perfume, and the absence of spit up on my person), with people who can talk and aren't screaming at me instead of being at home in a t-shirt with dried spit up stains on it, with someone who's only way to let me know something is not right is to scream at me. I thought about the pediatrician visit just last week where she commended me for staying home and told me it was a rare gift I was giving my daughter. She said that putting my career on hold for a few years would give my child years we could never get back. Even so, if we start having more days like this, I wondered how much of a gift it is if I have to put her in her crib for 5 minutes while I'm having a time out to pray for patience, kindness, and endurance.



Things got better in the evening and we made up with lots of snuggles before bedtime. I put myself to bed at 9:15. I don't think I've gone to bed that early since I was 10, but I was ready for some serious sleep. I laid in bed thinking how we had both just had an "off" day. People have asked if it is boring staying home, and my answer is always no, I love it. I do work about 6 hours every week and I always miss Isabella while I'm gone. I'm sure yesterday won't be the last time I will have the thought cross my mind that I'm not sure if this is what I want to be doing this very second. But last night, I laid in the dark knowing in my heart I am right where I want to be -- off days and all. Thankfully they are few and far between. I hope to see a tooth pop through soon for the work we both put in yesterday!

My friend came over in the afternoon and challenged me to a July challenge. We have set lots of goals together over the years and I am always up for a good challenge. Her goal didn't really speak to me, so I tried to come up with one that was fitting. I pondered many that I will save for another month, but the challenge came with the question "what would make the biggest immediate difference in your daily life?", and I knew what it would be. I have a much better attitude when I get up before Isabella is up and have some quiet time to myself to drink my fake coffee, read my bible or current book, count my gratitudes, and/or just sit quietly listening to the birds sing. So this month I will be setting my alarm to get up 30 minutes before the time she wakes up on average. There may be some days when she wakes way earlier than usual or I get too many wake up calls in the night and switch the alarm off to soak up as much interrupted sleep as possible and it just doesn't happen. But overall I hope this practice will give me an extra dose of grace to be the wife, mother, and friend I desire to be. Thanks for
the inspiration Michelle!

What would make the biggest difference in your life this month?

No doubts

I do not doubt that I married the right man for me. The boy I shared my high school days with and now the man I'm sharing parenting days with, is still the one for me. But you have no way of completely knowing what kind of parent your spouse will be until that day comes. The older we have become I have seen him grow into a more patient and less impulsive man, than the boy that avenged me by super-gluing plastic placemats on a ex's car. (Minus the time he broke into our house...but I suppose that was with good reason!)

I started seeing glimpses along the way as we started this journey. His excitement when we found out we were pregnant. His love and care making food I could tolerate, holding my hair back over the toilet, cleaning up the aftermath during those very sick days. When he wore pink to our ultrasound...because he "just knew".
And then on September 23rd when we spent the day in the hospital, he exhibited his strength and patience again and again. And late that night when I watched him hold our baby in his arms...and oversee everything that was done to her, I saw him become a Daddy.



If I had a quarter for every time since he has said "She is just perfect", "I just love her so much", etc. we would be rich. I have loved standing over her crib hearing his prayers for her. I have loved watching bath time and how much fun he has with her. I have loved watching them dance around the living room to "their" playlist.



Friday when he left for work, he stood at the door staring at us playing on the floor and said nostalgically, "Annaleise, these days with her are going by so fast...soak up every moment". I have needed his perspective when I've had a day of spit up, screaming, fussing, teething, etc. The days are flying, and I'm glad to have no doubts that my little girl has the best daddy. I have been blessed with a father who has left an eternal imprint on my life of his faith, love, and patient spirit. I am happy that Isabella will have the same!



Playing after dinner on father's day


After bath cuddles.

Isabella, I hope you know you have the most fun-loving, prayer warrior Daddy who is so in love with you! We are so blessed! Happy father's day!

Summer Saturday

Last Summer, my supervisor I had for licensure sent me a post she had written about making peach jam and the many metaphors the process had brought up for her about couples she had worked with in marriage therapy. It was a beautiful post, inspiring me to be a better therapist, as she always has a way of doing.
It also made me want to know how to make peach jam! I wanted to learn from someone how to create in this way as it seems to be an art going by the wayside. I causally mentioned...'if you do that again next Summer I would love to learn from you'.
She contacted me a few weeks ago saying she had several boxes of peaches coming in and had picked a date to begin the work.

Jars all clean and ready to go.


Peaches galore!


It was a multi-step process of heating the peaches, shocking them in ice water, peeling them, chopping, lightly pureeing them in the food processor, heating the mixture on the stove with the pectin, boiling, adding sugar, canning, and probably more I am forgetting.


Just coming to a boil. Kelly instructed me how to skim the foam of the top. The foam was delicious by the way!


My jam poured, sealed, ready to eat. It.is.DELICIOUS!!! I have spent many hours sitting at Kelly's feet in supervision, and it was a blessing to spend today with her learning a new art. I think I would be able to do it on my own now.


We spent the morning at a birthday party at the Orr Family Farm. We had a great time! Happy Birthday Kaitlyn!
Recently, as Isabella has been taking in more of the world, one of my favorite things about being a parent has been watching the world through her eyes. Her curiosity. The wonder of everything. It is magic.
She had many firsts at the farm, and it was a fun day!

Riding the train around the farm.




Checking out the goats- Just like in her touch and feel books!


Just a little over two feet!

She had her first pony ride! When Michael first sat her on the horse, she was afraid. She leaned over reaching for him. But after a second, she steadied herself, the horses started walking, and she loved it!




The party ended with her first carousel ride. Carousels always remind me of my dad. After being at any amusement park our last ride before going home was always the carousel. It was always kind of funny. You spent the day riding the Texas giant, flashback, Mr. Freeze, etc...then rode the carousel. Go out with a bang right?

Getting strapped in...




My girl with some of the kids at the party.
She looks so small! She did great at the party even though we had to wake her up from her nap. She partied hard then napped for three hours this afternoon while her mama was busy making peach jam!
Great day for both of us!

Random thoughts on a friday

I have committed to not posting pictures or telling too many stories about my child's bodily functions to not lose my sister as a reader. That being said, see below:

Can someone explain to me how it is possible for my child (who is a girl) to wet herself up the back of her diaper, and her pants still be dry? Of course this happened at a friend's house, shooting pee onto their quilt, and my "extra change of clothes" for her was not in the diaper bag.
Oh my! It was one of those weeks where several times the lyrics from a song ran through my head "Mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my Mama said!"

-This week I switched out most of Isabella's 3 month clothes (*with a tinge of sadness) for 3-6 and 6 month sizes as she is outgrowing the 3 month size. But as I was doing it I thought how awesome it would be to get a new wardrobe every 3 months or so, especially since most of it was bought by other people. Lucky Girl!

-I read this post the other day about raising girls: http://alphamom.com/parenting/body-image-eating-disorders-and-raising-little-girls/ and it scared me! While we are a ways off from these things with our little girl, I pray that she will love herself. And obviously, parents have a big impact on a child's body image by the things they tell their child and the way they view themselves. The last sentence has stuck with me: "And I think it will be something of a miracle that any little girls will make it to adulthood unscathed." YIKES! To my Mom friends and mom's-to-be: will please commit to me to not letting your 5 year old wear a padded bra! AHH!! I should probably keep her home with me always! (Kidding!)

-I read a statistic this week that said 76% of shopping carts in a study were found to have feces on them...YUCK! I think that seals the deal on the shopping car cover I was thinking about getting for when Isabella can sit up in one.

We survived the week and I'm happy the weekend is here! My house is a disaster, but for tonight we are staying at home and I am doing nothing about it. We ordered take out from Mama Rojas, rented a movie, and will enjoy a night of being in pajamas.

And lastly, some "Sunday best" pics from a few weeks ago I never posted: